Footprints On Our Hearts

#40 Losing a Twin and Talking About Motherhood with Cat Hardwick

In this week’s episode, guest host, Lucie Burns, talks to Cat Hardwick about her son Benjamin. Benjamin was an identical twin and after finding out he had died at 32 weeks, Cat carried him for a further two weeks before Benjamin and his living brother, Nathaneal, were delivered.

In the interview, they talk about:

• Finding out she was pregnant with identical twins and discovering at a routine scan that one of the twins had died (6:29)
• Discovering at a routine scan at 32 weeks that one of their twins had died (16:06)
• How the support of their friend and bereavement midwife helped Cat during the two weeks before the twins were delivered (26:24)
• Choosing to spend time with Benjamin after they were born (41:44)
• Nathaneal’s awareness of his twin brother and talking about Ben in day to day life (1:00:25)
• The importance of normalising death with children 1:06:07)

Read more about Cat’s story on her blog: https://navigatingthewhirlwind.blogspot.com/

You can hear Lucie’s story of her son, Benedict, in Episode 9 of the podcast.

In the intro, I mention Chrissy Teigen’s blog post about sharing her story and photos of her baby loss experience. You can read it here: https://chrissyteigen.medium.com/hi-2e45e6faf764  

If you have any feedback on the show, suggestions for guests or would like to share your story, you can connect with me on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/footprintsonourhearts/), Twitter (https://twitter.com/skyesfootprints) or email alison@footprintsonourhearts.com. If you enjoy the podcast, please leave a rating or review on your podcast app! You can support the podcast on Patreon: https://patreon.com/footprintsonourhearts.

#39 Oliver’s Story, Grief and Losing a Rainbow with Josie Woods

In Episode 39 of Footprints on our Hearts, I talk to Josie Woods about her son, Oliver, who was stillborn after being diagnosed with a heart condition during pregnancy. We chat about the complex emotions associated with grief and why losing Oliver caused Josie and her partner to sell the home they’d so recently moved into.

In the interview, we talk about:

• Josie’s pregnancy with Oliver (3:58)
• Finding out that Oliver had a problem with his heart and coming to terms with the fact that he probably wouldn’t survive (8:38)
• Oliver’s death and giving birth to her son (14:16)
• The early weeks of grief and grieving during lockdown (23:22)
• Getting pregnant again and losing her rainbow baby (32:23)
• Struggling with feelings of jealousy around pregnancy announcements (41:02)
• Learning to remember Oliver in a happy way and speaking out about baby loss (44:12)

You can connect with Josie on Instagram @precious_little_footprints and read more about Oliver on her blog: https://preciouslittlefootprints.wordpress.com/

If you have any feedback on the show, suggestions for guests or would like to share your story, you can connect with me on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/footprintsonourhearts/), Twitter (https://twitter.com/skyesfootprints) or email alison@footprintsonourhearts.com. If you enjoy the podcast, please leave a rating or review on your podcast app and consider supporting the podcast on Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/footprintsonourhearts).

#38 The Birth of a Rainbow

This week’s episode of Footprints on our Hearts is the concluding segment of my mini-series on pregnancy after loss. A few weeks ago, we welcomed our rainbow baby, Rowan, into the world. In this solo show, I talk about the final (and hardest) weeks of my pregnancy, Rowan’s birth and the emotional rollercoaster that is parenting after loss.

I’d like to give a big shout out to all the people who support the podcast on Patreon and in particular, to this week’s new patron, Julie, mum to Wallace who was stillborn in August last year. I am so grateful to all my patrons for helping me continue producing this podcast and sharing stories of baby loss. If you’d like to become a patron of the show you can by going to www.patreon.com/footprintsonourhearts.

You can also support the podcast by sharing it and leaving a rating or review on your podcast app.

#37 A Dad’s Perspective on Second Trimester Stillbirth and Pregnancy After Loss

It’s the start of baby loss awareness week and I have a very special guest on the podcast – my husband, Sam. He has been my rock throughout our marriage and particularly over the last year and a half after losing Skye and during my pregnancy with our rainbow baby.

Sam is very much a lurker on the edge of the baby loss community, and unlike some of my previous guests who’ve chosen to speak out about their experiences, is quite a private person. For this reason, I think this episode might be particularly helpful for those dads and partners who perhaps don’t talk about their children as much, and for mums who maybe get frustrated that their partners don’t express their grief so openly.

In the interview we talk about:

• How Sam felt when I showed him the positive pregnancy test and his awareness of baby loss (12:37)
• Finding out that Skye had died and the in-between days (15:53)
• Going into hospital for Skye’s birth and seeing her for the first time (21:51)
• Feeling sidelined by staff as the birth partner and father (29:48)
• Sam’s grief journey, unpicking emotions and unexpected triggers (36:03)
• How we remember Skye in our day to day lives and talking to other people about her (42:05)
• His experience of pregnancy after loss (46:16)

In the intro, I talk about Baby Loss Awareness Week and the Wave of Light which will take place at 7pm on Thursday 15^th October.

While this is a special time to remember our babies, it can also mean that feelings of grief, loss and anger can bubble up or overwhelm us, so do be gentle with yourselves, take time for self-care and to let yourself grieve if that’s what you need to do.

If you enjoy the podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you could leave a review on your podcast app. You can connect with me on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/footprintsonourhearts/) and Twitter (https://twitter.com/skyesfootprints) or email alison@footprintsonourhearts.com.

#36 Lucas’s Story, Infant Death and Parenting After Loss with Abi Bradley

In Episode 36 of Footprints on our Hearts, I chat with Abi Bradley about her son, Lucas, who died aged 12 days old in 2014. We discuss the traumatic circumstances of Lucas’s death as well as Abi’s experience of pregnancy and parenting after loss. We also talk about PTSD, which Abi experienced most strongly some years after Lucas’s death.

In the interview, we cover:

• Abi’s pregnancy with Lucas and his birth and first 11 days
• What happened when Lucas fell suddenly sick and was rushed to hospital (10:20)
• The police arriving to question them only a few hours after Lucas died (17:49)
• Having to return to their house without him (23:17)
• Finding support through the Sands forum in the first weeks and months of grief (30:42)
• Abi’s experience of pregnancy after loss and bringing her daughters home (32:29)
• Parenting after loss and how EMDR therapy helped with PTSD (42:48)
• Why Abi decided to set up When You Wish Upon a Star (50:50)

You can connect with Abi on Instagram @abibradley.x. She also has an Instagram page and Facebook page for her business, When You Wish Upon a Star, selling beautiful cards and keepsakes with the baby loss community in mind.

Find our more on Abi’s website (https://whenyouwish-uponastar.co.uk/) and Etsy shop (https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/wishuponastarbyabi).

If you’d like to support the show, the beginning of the month is the best time to do it! Find out more at https://www.patreon.com/footprintsonourhearts. You can also support the show by spreading the word and leaving a review or rating on your podcast app!

#35 Pregnancy and Parenting After Infertility and Loss

This week, I’m delighted to welcome Cat Strawbridge, host of the Finally Pregnant podcast onto the show for a special episode on pregnancy and parenting after infertility and loss. We talk about our own experiences and have some tips for you if you’re currently pregnant.

As part of our conversation we talk about:

• Feelings on finding out you’re pregnant and when to tell people (10:28)
• Managing anxiety (and excitement) during pregnancy after loss (24:00)
• The loss of a "normal" pregnancy (43:46)
• How infertility and loss can affect your birth choices and when things don’t go to plan (54:00)
• Struggling to think about parenting and the ups and downs of parenting after loss (1:04:23)

If you’re pregnant after infertility or loss, I highly recommend listening to the Finally Pregnant podcast. Cat also created the Finally Pregnant Hang Out, a membership community for men and women who are finally pregnant and parenting.

You can connect with Cat on Instagram @tryingyears and find out more about the podcast and Hang Out on her website: https://www.catstrawbridge.com/. Cat is also one half of the dynamic duo @itscatandalice.

You can support the podcast and help me keep putting out weekly episodes on Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/footprintsonourhearts.

If you have any feedback on the show, suggestions for guests or would like to share your story, you can connect with me on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/footprintsonourhearts/), Twitter (https://twitter.com/skyesfootprints) or email alison@footprintsonourhearts.com. If you enjoy the podcast, please leave a rating or review on your podcast app!

#34 Pregnancy, Stillbirth and Grief During Covid-19 with Leigh Niwa

In Episode 34 of Footprints on our Hearts, I welcome my first Canadian guest! Leigh Niwa’s daughter, Winry, was stillborn just a few months ago at the height of the covid-19 lockdown in Canada. Leigh’s experience of pregnancy, loss and grief has been overshadowed by the global pandemic that left them isolated and alone.

In the interview, we talk about:

• Leigh’s complicated journey to deciding to start a family later in life (8:30)
• The pandemic hitting, how this affected Leigh’s antenatal care and the lost opportunities to enjoy the final weeks of pregnancy (25:10)
• Going into labour and finding out Winry had died (37:58)
• Making memories after Winry was born (50:05)
• The impact of covid-19 and lockdown on Leigh’s grief and loneliness (57:04)
• Remembering Winry – lions, setting her free and terrible cakes (1:03:58)

You can connect with Leigh on Instagram at @elldot.niwa.

You can support the podcast and help me keep putting out weekly episodes on Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/footprintsonourhearts.

If you have any feedback on the show, suggestions for guests or would like to share your story, you can connect with me on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/footprintsonourhearts/), Twitter (https://twitter.com/skyesfootprints) or email alison@footprintsonourhearts.com. If you enjoy the podcast, please leave a rating or review on your podcast app!

#33b Pregnancy After Loss Update and Covid Restrictions

This is a special extra episode of Footprints on our Hearts! I wanted to give you an update on my experience of pregnancy after loss as I start thinking about birth planning and also talk about the current impact of coronavirus on maternity care.

In this mini episode, I talk about:

• Getting through the final few weeks of pregnancy and how I’ve been trying to prepare for a positive birth experience.
• The key to getting a good night’s sleep (for me at least!).
• My anxieties around going in for induction without my husband and what I’ve been doing about it.
• The latest guidance from NHS England on getting maternity services back to normal and variations in restrictions across the country.
• How and why you might want to advocate for your rights around pregnancy and birth.

You can read the NHS England guidance here.

The Birthrights website has lots of information on your rights in pregnancy and birth and may be able to help you if you feel you’re not being supported appropriately.

#33 The Taboo of Baby Loss and Bringing Home One of Three with Priya Shah

In Episode 33 of Footprints on our Hearts, I chat with Priya Shah about her triplets, Adhiya, Ariya and Adhira. Priya’s pregnancy was a rollercoaster of hope, heartbreak and difficult decisions, and sadly she only got to bring Adhiya home.

In the interview, we talk about:

• Priya’s journey to getting pregnant and finding out they were expecting triplets
• Facing the terrible decision over whether to reduce the pregnancy (14:43)
• Struggling to prepare for the birth of her babies (27:29)
• Baby loss being a taboo subject in her culture (32:35)
• Going into labour at 34 weeks and giving birth to Adhiya and Ariya (34:19)
• Being told Ariya wouldn’t survive and spending time with her (41:38)
• Grieving while dealing with the demands of being a parent to Adhiya (50:40)
• Involving all three of her children in family life and Indian culture (58:26)

You can connect with Priya on Instagram @our_one_of_three and read more about her story on her blog: https://ouroneofthree.com/

I have good news! Thanks to my wonderful volunteer guest hosts and editors, I should be able to continue putting out weekly episodes for at least the next few months.

If you’d like to support the podcast and help it remain viable for the long term, then please do consider becoming a Patreon support. You can support the podcast from just a few pounds a month with all the money going towards hosting, production and editing costs. Find out more at https://patreon.com/footprintsonourhearts.

#32 Pregnancy After Loss Solo Show

Today, I have a solo show for you! I talk about my experience of pregnancy after loss during the Covid-19 pandemic, including scanxiety, hanging onto hope through bad news, the third trimester we’re-bringing-a-baby-home panic and fears about what lies ahead in the fourth trimester.

I want to give a special shout out to the Tommy’s Rainbow Clinic in Manchester and especially to the amazing rainbow clinic team at Leeds General Infirmary for their incredible support during my pregnancy.

I’d love to know what you think of the solo shows, if you’d like to see more general discussion episodes in future and what topics you’d like me to cover. You can message me on Instagram or email me at alison@footprintsonourhearts.com.